I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
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