Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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