i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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