I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The feeling are messing with the penis
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
