How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
