Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
