dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
