Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
