My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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