worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
