I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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