Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
