remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
