I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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