AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
