I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
