I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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