Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
