I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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