I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
