I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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