I cut my penus on the lid.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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