She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
