I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
