u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
