last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
