Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
