I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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