I'm so fucking centered right now
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
