I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
