Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
