i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
