I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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