I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
