Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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