i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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