"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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