why didn't you poke me back
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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