tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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