Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
