Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
