I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
