____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
