he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
