Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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