He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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