Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Your cock deserves a montage
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
