The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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