I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
