got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
