His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
