careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he was CRYING into my vagina
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
