I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
