I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
