Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
