I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize