i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
