are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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