Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
