How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
